Wednesday, 29 August 2007

remembering papa

दर्द का एक टुकड़ा
अभी तक मॅन में दबा रक्खा है ....

Its been fourteen years, fourteen long years since I lost my dad, and ever since life has never been the same and never will be... there is a deep sense of vaccum that engulfs a part of me, just like an eclipse, a permanent one in this case... a growing of loss was a part of my formative years... and what was even worse was that I tried to hide this and everything that I felt, never acknowledging my feelings even to myself... I was in general angry and confused with the world around and the one within...

I remember being petrified at the age of seventeen when for the first time I had heard Roger Waters sing in a subdued voice, a song that would haunt me for a very long time, echoing in my ears at nights when I would lye tired and emotionally weared out and could never sleep... still remember the hospital corridor where I sat all night filled with silence outside and my head full of noise, these words playing somewhere at the back of my mind....

Daddy's flown across the ocean
Leaving just a memory
Snapshot in the family album
Daddy what else did you leave for me?
Daddy, what'd'ja leave behind for me?!?
All in all it was just a brick in the wall.

The pain that had been diffused for so long had all of sudden, in one moment crystallised in one moment, in these few lines...

There is a lot else that I could have remembered and said on this day, a lot better sounding words and pleasent memories, but again that would have been one more coverup... a facade...

लाल सुरा की धार लपट सी कह न इसे देना ज्वाला,
फेनिल मदिरा है, मत इसको कह देना उर का छाला,
दर्द नशा है इस मदिरा का विगत स्मृतियाँ साकी हैं,
पीड़ा में आनंद जिसे हो, आए मेरी मधुशाला।।

Friday, 17 August 2007

अनाम ...

ख़्वाब बुनना
यादें संजोना
बातो का पुलिंदा
रोज़ खोलना
कुछ मुस्कुराहतो से सिलवट हटाना
और फिर कुछ नया तहाना

भूल कर सब
एक पल को
दोबारा जीना
और आज कि
किस्मत कि मार
को झूठलाना

एक शेर अक्सर ज़ेहन मे आता है और घर कर जाता है -

मेरे खुशनुमा इरादों मेरा साथ देना
किसी और से नही मेरा खुद से सामना है

जब यथार्थ मन का हौसला पस्त करने लगता है , और जीवन विशमताओ का पहाड़ लगने लगता है , तो एक तलाश शुरू होती है - कारण कि ; और मन कि ही गहराई मे - सबलता कि । यह शायद खुद को बहलाने का भी एक प्रयास है । खुश- फ़हम होना सिर्फ ग़ालिब ने नही, हमने भी सीखा है, महसूस किया है ...